Pirates of the Caribbean  The Unattended Vodka
by Cathy Robinson
Summary: Jack, Will, Lizzie and Barbossa are out for a quiet drink... but oh no! Pirates are coming! No joke!


Pirates of the Caribbean

The Unattended Vodka

-Will has just entered the conversation-

-Jack has just entered the conversation-

Will: Hi Jack!!

Will: Jack?

Jack: Hey

Will: Hi what you up to?

Jack: Drinking at the bar.

Jack: Right in front of you.

Jack: I've been waving for the last twenty minutes.

Will: I was just being polite.

Jack: That's a first.

Will: Where is everybody anyway?

Will: They were supposed to meet us like, now.

Will: Maybe they've forgotten about us!

Jack: Or maybe they have lives.

Will: Hmmm, maybe so...

-Lizzie has just entered the conversation-

Will: Hi!

Will: Late much?

Lizzie: Oh haha.

Lizzie: Hi Jack

Jack: Hey Lizzybeth

Lizzie: I forgot I was supposed to meet you.

Will: See Jack? Told ya.

Will: Where's Barbossa?

Jack: Yea, I need someone sane to talk to.

Lizzie: Dunno, last time I saw him he was having some trouble with his monkey.

Jack: On second thought, maybe not.

Will: Aww, never mind.

Will: So Lizzie, what are you up to then?

Lizzie: Oh, nothing much - just watching you two from the other side of the bar.

Lizzie: I've been waving for the last twenty minutes.

Will: I was just being polite...

Jack: That's a first.

Jack: Anyway, I'll have to start without Barbossa's wisdom upon us...

Will: See any girls you like then?

Jack: Nope, not yet.

Will: There's that one behind the bar.

Jack: Hmm... She's alright.

Will: And her over there by the door.

Jack: Yea, she looks nice.

Lizzie: That's me.

Will: No... I meant that one behind you, she's much pre...

Will: Haha, erm no, that is you Elizabeth hehe...

Jack: I get ya.

Will: How about her? She looks cool.

Jack: She does.

Lizzie: Is this all you do?

Lizzie: 'Uh... she looks nice... Uh yea...'

Will: Not all the time.

Will: Man, I wish I was on the pull again.

Lizzie: What!??!?

Will: Yep... not knowing who to talk to, that whole trial and error business...

Will: All that jazz.

Lizzie?

Jack: It's not all that...

Lizzie: Will!

Will: What? Oh right...

-Barbossa has entered the conversation-

Will: Saved by the bell!

Jack: Erm...

Barbossa: Hey

Lizzie: Hello Barbossa.

Barbossa: Elizabeth.

Jack: Barbossa.

Barbossa: Jack. Will?

Will: Barbossa.

Jack: Elizabeth.

Lizzie: Jack.

Will: Elizabeth.

Will: Elizabeth?

Barbossa: Will.

Lizzie: Oh, I'm sorry Will. I was too busy staring at that man over there, wishing I was still 'allowed' to be on the pull to reply to you.

Will: Don't start.

Lizzie: I'll start what I want to start, thank you very much.

Barbossa: ...

Barbossa: Start what, dare I ask?

Jack: I'm advising you not to.

Lizzie: Well, William was just saying how much he missed being 'out on the pull'...

Will: Yes, but I never said that I wanted to!

Lizzie: Yes you did.

Will: Did I?

Will: Oh yes.

Jack: So how have you been Barbossa?

Barbossa: Fine, fine. Had some trouble with Jack – he didn't want to let go of my new hat you see.

Will: Lizzie – I didn't really mean it...

Lizzie: Don't call me that. You are to refer to me by my full name from now on thank you very much.

Barbossa: Yep, I had to wrestle it back from him,

Will: Oh fine, _Elizabeth_.

Lizzie: It's Miss Swann.

Barbossa: He put up a bit of a fight, took me a while before he let go. Of course he went into one of his sulks afterwards, but that was to be expected,

Will: Miss Swann? Oh whatever...

Lizzie: Don't you whatever me, Mr 'I wish I was on the pull again'...

Will: Look, I didn't mean it... really...

Will: Elizabeth?

Barbossa: Yep. Caught him with my shoes earlier, you don't wanna know what he was doing with those...

Barbossa: Or should I say – what he was doing IN those...

Jack: What did you do?

Will: I mean, I didn't really say anything bad did I?

Will: If you really put your mind to it, and that shouldn't be difficult for you, Elizabeth.

Lizzie: Don't try it. And how on Earth was none of that bad?? You said that you wished that you were still on the pull! In front of your wife-to-be!

Barbossa: I just left him to it. It's like his way of letting off steam.

Jack: So he didn't know you were there?

Will: Well I mean, I said I wished that I could be... meaning er, that I wished I was on the pull again, to er... talk to you?

Lizzie: Really?

Barbossa: Nah, I don't think so.

Lizzie: You mean that?

Barbossa: Well would you make a sceptical of yourself when you find your monkey excreting little objects in your boots?

Will: Of course.

Jack: Hm, I agree.

Barbossa: How have you been Elizabeth?

Lizzie: Oh fine, thank you. And you?

Barbossa: Yes, yes, I'm fine too.

Elizabeth: Oh good.

Will: Get a room.

Jack: Haha, good one.

Will: Why thank you.

Lizzie:(

Jack: Does anyone want a drink then?

Lizzie: Oh yes please.

Will: Yep, just rum thanks.

Barbossa: Yarp.

Lizzie: Just an orange juice for me.

Barbossa: Vodka. I don't have time for that weak twaddle.

Jack: ...

Jack: Right, rum for Will, an orange for Lizzie and vodka for Barbossa.

Will: That's right.

Barbossa: What did Jack want with us anyway?

Lizzie: He needed our help with a problem of his.

Will: Yea, he needs a wife.

Barbossa: A wife?

Will: I know, I was shocked too.

Lizzie: I wasn't really; he did ask me to marry him last year.

Will: I didn't know that!!

Lizzie: Well now you do.

Barbossa: Crikey.

Will: Yes... So he has decided that he was getting old and needed a back-up.

Lizzie: Someone who was nice,

Will: Good looking,

Lizzie: Who wouldn't care in the slightest if he cheated,

Will: Got drunk,

Lizzie: Stole from her,

Will: Or went off and never came back again.

Lizzie: So basically no one on this Earth.

Barbossa: Quite a sticky wicket then?

Lizzie: Yes, exactly.

Will: Um, yea, exactly.

Jack: I'm back.

Jack: And I've got drinks!

Barbossa: Oh good.

Barbossa: Yep, I needed that.

Will: So did I.

Lizzie: OMG

Lizzie: Pirates are coming!!!

Lizzie: No joke.

Will: Well duh, we're sitting right here...

Jack: Seriously?

Lizzie: Oh seriously? Seriously no.

Lizzie: Of course seriously!! We have to get out of here!

Jack: But we've just got drinks!

Lizzie: You'll have to leave them!

Barbossa: I'm thinking not.

Will: So, why do we have to leave?

Lizzie: Because pirates are coming!

Lizzie: No joke.

Will: I got that. But aren't we pirates?

Jack: I don't... think so...

Will: Oh haha. Well, we should be alright then. They're just pirates.

Barbossa: And I really don't want to leave my vodka unattended.

Jack: And how do you know anyway?

Lizzie: Look!!

Jack: Where?

Lizzie: Out the window!

Will: Ah.

Jack: Right.

Barbossa: I see.

Will: They don't look like nice pirates.

Barbossa: Maybe not.

Jack: Hm.

Jack: Oh, and they're heading for this tavern.

Barbossa: Ah.

Lizzie: This tavern!?!?!

Lizzie: Quick! We have to go!

Barbossa: Lets stay, I'm in the mood...

Will: For dancin'...

Barbossa: For a fight.

Lizzie: We can't take them all on while three of us are drunk!

Jack: I'm ashamed of all of you.

Lizzie: Haha Jack, very funny.

Will: Well we need to escape!

Lizzie: Yes, but how?

Will: By the back roads, we should be able to reach The Pearl without meeting any of them.

Jack: But which ones?

Will: I know my way around town.

Lizzie: He's right.

Barbossa: We need to be quick!

Lizzie: I know; pirates are coming!

Lizzie: No joke!

Will: I think I can get us out.

Jack: Then let's go!

Will: Follow me!

Will: Come on!

Will: Will you hurry up?

Barbossa: I don't want to spill my vodka.

Jack: You brought it with you?

Barbossa: I didn't want to leave it unattended did I?

Jack: Damn, I wish I'd thought of that.

Lizzie: No offence, but Barbossa you can be a bit of a twonk sometimes.

Will: Well drink it up or something, we have to start running.

Barbossa: I can't, I'll get poisoned.

Barbossa: OK I won't, but I like to take my time with a good drink.

Will: Down here.

Jack: Euch, it's disgusting.

Will: This is the street I used to live on.

Will: Here's a question, why every time I'm in Port Royale does someone raid it?

Jack: Now there's a thinker.

Lizzie: Now's no time for thinking!

Jack: I was being sarcastic...

Lizzie: And don't make so much noise either.

Lizzie: All that splashing... Has it been raining?

Will: I don't think so, it's the Caribbean.

Jack: Have you ever heard of hurricanes?

Jack: Well they bring rain as well apparently.

Will: Really? Wow, who'd of thought?

Barbossa: It's just me.

Barbossa: All this running has caused me to spill large amounts of vodka all over the floor and the sound is it hitting the ground.

Jack: How much have you got in there Barbossa?

Barbossa: 'bout, half a glass?

Jack: Still?

Barbossa: Yes.

Jack: Right.

Lizzie: Can't you two shut up?

Barbossa: I would, if people would just stop making comments about my drink.

Will: This way.

Jack: Euch, it's even smellier down here.

Will: I never said it was pretty.

Jack: Yes you did.

Will: Well I must have been talking about something else.

Will: Now we take a left and...

Will: STOP!

Jack: Why?

Lizzie: OMG

Lizzie: The pirates are coming!

Lizzie: No joke!

Will: Shush!

Barbossa: Take that!

Will: Where?

Barbossa: HAY-YAH!

Barbossa: Gotcha.

Lizzie: Wow Barbossa, that was good.

Barbossa: I know.

Will: Oh why don't you just marry him?

Lizzie: Shut up.

Jack: So that's why you brought your drink.

Barbossa: Yes, a satisfying thirst quencher and a handy weapon.

Jack: Is there anything alcohol can't do?

Will: OK, the coast is clear,

Jack: Apart from the pirate ship of course.

Will: Let's move!

Lizzie: I think I recognise this street...

Jack: Oh that's nice.

Will: Well now it will be imprinted in your memory forever as the street in which Barbossa knocked out a pirate with a glass of vodka.

Barbossa: It was nothing.

Will: You'll have to teach me, Barbossa.

Barbossa: It's not something that can be taught, but something you have to discover yourself.

Barbossa: Know what I mean?

Will: Oh, I know exactly what you mean...

Lizzie: No you don't.

Jack: I can see The Pearl!

Will: Where?

Jack: Over there.

Will: Oh right.

Will: We're getting close; all we need to do is cross this bridge and follow the road from there.

Lizzie: Look! More Pirates!

Lizzie: No joke!

Lizzie: And they're coming towards us!

Will: Bad times.

Jack: If we crouch, we can get across the bridge without them seeing us.

Will: Good times.

Barbossa: Away then,

Barbossa: And... Crouch!

Jack: Ouch, my back.

Jack: Old age must be catching up with me.

Lizzie: Either that or Barbossa's poking you in the back with a stick.

Barbossa: Hehehe.

Jack: Would you stop that?

Will: We're over!

Jack: Why? I thought you two loved each other?

Will: Oh haha Jack.

Lizzie: Very funny.

Will: I meant we're over the bridge.

Jack: Well Barbossa's over the hill.

Jack: Ba dum bum ch.

Will: Now we're at the road. All we need to do is follow it and we're back at The Pearl!

Barbossa: Yeay.

Will: Hurry up!

Lizzie: I'm trying!

Will: Wow, this conversation is usually the other way around...

Jack: A little more than we needed to know, Will.

Will: Right.

Lizzie: Look! The Pearl!

Lizzie: No joke.

Barbossa: Huzzah!

Barbossa: Finally.

Will: You could be a bit more grateful since I have just saved you from an evil pirate related death.

Barbossa: Ok then.

Barbossa: Huzzah!

Barbossa: And not a moment too soon.

Jack: Better.

Lizzie: Our longboats are still here and everything!

Will: I should hope so.

Lizzie: Oh shut up... Jack, you and Barbossa have that one and me and Will will share this one.

Barbossa: Oh goody! I'd love a boat ride!

Jack: Too far.

Barbossa: I was being sarcastic.

Jack: Is everyone ready then?

Lizzie: Yes.

Barbossa: Yarp.

Will: Yep-a-mundo.

Jack: Then let's go!

Will: Man, rowing is hard. Why can't you row Elizabeth?

Lizzie: You know I would, but I'm still a bit wound up about that 'on the pull' comment you made earlier.

Will: You're not still on that are you...?

Lizzie: What have I just said? And you should be apologizing.

Will: Fine. I'm _sorry_.

Lizzie: That's all I wanted to hear.

Will: It wasn't was it?

Lizzie: Well yes, but 'I will buy you lots of presents and a really big engagement ring' would be nice.

Will: Pah!

Lizzie: Don't you 'pah' me.

Barbossa: Will you just shut up? Look, we're nearly there.

Jack: Yeay, just in the nick of time.

Lizzie?

Jack: Look behind you.

Lizzie: Oh no! Port Royale! In flames!

Lizzie: Again!

Lizzie: The pirates have burnt it!

Lizzie: No joke!

Will: Don't worry, it's been rebuilt a million times, they can do it again. It'll probably be ultra-modern by the time we get back.

Jack: Yea, with working lights and everything!

Lizzie: I suppose so.

Barbossa: OK we're back.

Will: Finally...

Jack: Up and over... yep, just how we left it.

Will: No evil pirates then?

Jack: Nope, only the crew. And even they're not so evil.

Barbossa: Look the pirates are leaving!

Barbossa: No joke!

Lizzie: Oh please, Barbossa, nobody says that anymore...


End file.
